Hopping Mad

 “This is highly unorthodox.”
 “I know that. Don't tell me again.”
 “I would if I thought you'd listen. I just want my position on the matter to be quite clear, for the record.”
 “Nobody will ever think that you thought this was a good idea, don't worry. Stand back.”
 “Oh. It's you. I should have guessed from the bickering. The door was unlocked you know. You didn't need to spend fifteen minutes tearing it off its hinges.”
 “I told you.”
 “I know.”
 “I had to use most of my balms on your shoulders. If she puts up much of a fight you'll have nobody to blame but yourself when I can't heal you.”
 “I know.”
 “I even had the key, just in case it was locked. I found it outside.”
 “I know.”
 “Shall I leave you two alone to resolve this?”
 “Stay where you are. We've spent weeks tracking you down.”
 “Only because you killed everybody who could have told us where she was.”
 “I didn't kill them. They died. There's a difference. Look, would you let me deal with her before she runs off?”
 “You mean like last time? When I told you she was doing just that but you were too busy complaining about your sword being covered in ichor? You don't even know what ichor is. That was grapefruit. Again, for the record.”
 “It doesn't matter what it was. It was grapefruit ichor, alright?”
 “No, no, that's fine! Grapefruit ichor it is. Now, are you going to arrest this sorceress in the name of the king or are you going to just stand there as she strolls out of the door?”
 “Hey! Where do you think you're going?”
 “Ah.”
 “Do you have any idea how much trouble you've caused the kingdom?”
 “I have a fair idea, yes.”
 “Three farms burned, twelve hamlets looted, almost all of the alchemical reagents plundered from the magicians guild...
 “And a particularly informative piece of graffiti scrawled on the side of the castle big enough to be read from three miles away. Well, if he will have such a large castle... Yes, I'm aware of the list of my crimes. I did commit them.”
 “Well, do you have anything to say?”
 “It was a lot of fun?”
 “Anything remorseful?”
 “No.”
 “Oh. Well, in that case we're going to have to apprehend you. By force, if needs be.”
 “I didn't see that twist coming.”
 “Didn't you?”
 “She's being sarcastic. We've talked about this before.”
 “Well, she'll have a lot of not-lying remorse to do after a few years in the King's dungeon.”
 “Really? I've heard the food is excellent.”
 “I-No, it's horrible. Someone lied to you.”
 “That was also sarcasm.”
 “No more talking! You're coming with us, sorceress.”
 “Of course! I could do with a walk.”
 “Aren't you going to fight back?”
 “Why would I do that?. I had a chance to pack an overnight bag whilst you were discussing your plan outside the door. I'm ready to go when you are.”
 
 “Your majesty!” 
 “Hmm?”
 “We've apprehended the sorceress, my liege.”
 “Against all odds.”
 “Look. I've just about had enough of you. You don't have any swords, you repeatedly heal the people we're supposedly locked in deadly combat with and your idea of supporting me in a fight is to sit on a rock and point out the flaws in my technique so whoever we're fighting can exploit them.”
 “What can I say. You looked like you needed a challenge.”
 “Ahem. The sorceress?”
 “Hello, your majesty. Did you like my note?”
 “Scrawling the combination to the kingdoms treasury vault in seventy-two foot high letters onto the side of the castle may have been particularly funny to you, Sorceress, but the chancellor was so traumatised by the event that he locked himself in the vault  and attacks anybody who approaches with sharpened sticks. It was useful to have him help fend off the first seven or eight waves of opportunistic brigands, but I haven't been able to pay my staff in a month.”
 “If only there was someone with a handy grasp of magic here in the castle to help vacate him for you.”
 “If only.”
 “Your majesty?”
 “Yes?” 
 “There may just well be someone who has what you need to evict your wayward chancellor from your treasury. The sorceress we've just apprehended would probably be able to remove him.”
 “No, would I? I'd never have guessed. Of course... it won't be cheap.”
 “Won't be cheap? You're a prisoner! I captured you!”
 “Do keep up. We went for a walk. We're here now. If there's a problem his majesty needs assistance with I shall render it however I can. For a negotiated fee. And a full pardon.”
 “I'm sure this isn't how arresting someone is supposed to work.”
 “It's certainly unorthodox.”
 “Yes, well, you can imprison me in the dungeon if you'd like, but I'm not sure how that solves any of your problems.”
 “Problems that you caused, sorceress.”
 “Well, it's nice to feel needed.”
 “You can't just go causing crisis' just so people need you to solve them!”
 “I seem to remember something about a slime siege caused when someone matching your description murdered not only the slime king but the slime elder council, enraging the slime race and threatening to drown the entire kingdom in mildly caustic goop until someone, again matching your description, marched from the castle and defeated their leader, Slimetacus, in single combat.”
 “That was a misunderstanding.”
 “Of course.”
 “Actually it was. The slime people were enthusiastic about their perceived liberator. The Slime King had ruled over their people for decades, imposing tyrannical edicts on his populace who didn't have the spine to resist. They had actually come en masse to thank the brave warrior who rid them of their burden. The siege happened after he killed Slimetacus in the middle of his ceremonial Dance of Gleeful Gratitude.”
 “He looked like he was going to attack!”
 “He brought you flowers.” 
 “I thought it was a sword.”
 “Frankly that speaks more of your sword obsession and bizarre slime racism than of any ambiguity as to his intent.”
 “Anybody could have made the same mistake.”
 “Yes, and yet the privilege fell to you. Thirty-six times.”
 “Sorceress!”
 “Yes, your majesty?”
 “You will have your pardon. Anything to have my treasury back and this bickering removed from my throne room.”
 “As you wish, your majesty.”

 “What did you do?”
 “I turned him into a frog. I hoped that would be obvious.”
 “Yes, it is rather. It doesn't, however, solve the problem of accessing the treasury, given the precise size of the frog, not to mention its foul temperament. How, exactly are we going to fit him through the door now?”
 “Well I can't do all the work. I had thought that once I'd turned him into a frog the situation would sort itself out.”
 “Sort itself out? You're worse than he is. I can't believe it took us a month to track you down, and instead of putting you in prison we're giving you a pardon, paying you an exorbitant amount of money, and letting you turn the kings advisers into amphibians simply so you can make a ham-fisted pun out of the many ways we could describe an irate frog.”
 “That's hardly fair. The chancellor is an administrative, not an advisory position. But I am glad that you spotted what I was trying to achieve. I was worried I was going to have to hint a little harder.”
 “Wonderful. Instead of just being oblivious to semantics you actively argue them. Now I've got the complete set. Look. If he must be a frog, can you please turn him into a smaller frog? One that has less teeth and foaming rage?”
 “No promises.”
 “Why bother? Give me five minutes with this oversized tadpole and I'll cut it down to size.”
 “I'm not sure his majesty would appreciate that. The idea is to reclaim the treasury, not dismember his administrators.”
 “I'm not sure why we can't do both.”
 “Why am I not surprised to hear you say that. Just trust me. We are not attacking the chancellor no matter how memorable you think the fight will be. That justification isn't convincing anybody anymore. Especially not after last time.”
 “It was a memorable fight.”
 “So memorable that I still can't show my face in half the villages south of here. No. Fighting. Sorceress, turn the chancellor into something a little more human and a little less angry, if you would.”
 “Well, I thought it was funny. But as you wish. I will need into that treasury too, my pay is in there.”
 “Thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me, now that we've rescued the kingdoms finances, I'm going to lie down. I'm not going to be the one explaining to the King why his gold is covered in frog goop.”